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Relational Passions for Skilled Lovers

Posted on December 21, 2017 in Uncategorized

The bedroom is a sanctuary, a gift for the refreshing restoration of the total man to support the balance of the human spirit.

Am I talking about sex? It’s only a small part of what I am saying. We need to learn to care enough to reach into the inner core of our mate. We need to care about the whole person, not simply stopping to give only our partial, distracted attention to each other; but our whole being and fiber. A part of love’s genius is patience: Patience for the process, the journey, and the whole experience. This “microwave” society that fills our consciousness and spirit with “hurry-up” will, if we allow it, causes us to mess up, screw up and miss out.

I watched my parent’s relationship, and realized very quickly that their marriage skills did not match their parenting skills. Dad loved mom with all his heart, but was not as sensitive and as skilled at romance and nurturing mama as he needed to be. They both accepted that this was how it was supposed to be, in part because of how they both grew up.

Over the years, couples have been drawn to me in times of marital trouble, primarily because I’m an ordained minister. In most cases it became apparent that they needed help before they encountered such difficulties.

When I got my first job, I would do all the things I felt my father should do for mama, like buy flowers, candy, gifts and take her to dinner. Spoil her! I loved to see her face light up with a wide grin. The truth was I was not dad. I could not give all the things she needed to flourish in a loving marriage. I watched them both suffer greatly in their relationship simply because they were both not willing to do the work and pursue new discoveries necessary to grow in their union. I notice mama would not discuss how she really felt about what she wanted or needed with dad, because she felt he would not listen or understand her point of view.

Dad could only see his point of view as how a women’s role was to play out in marriage. They both shut down and did not grow in their relationship. It was hard for me to watch what was happening. As a teenager I tried and worked hard to get both of them to come closer.

My first wife’s perspectives were very different when it came to marriage. However, I respected her views and perspective. After nine years of trying to make it work, it did not work out. We both were devastated. We had no children from the union. While in the process of healing, I made it my business to learn all I could about why it happened and how to navigate and use basic tools on how to better handle life in marriage.

One thing for sure, I learned plenty about myself. I had already been working as a lay counselor in the community and with local churches, attempting to help and support others who were having difficulty by simply adding my voice to those who wanted to make a happy marriage better.

I could not believe it; I was called left and right all over greater Los Angeles to come to speak to couples. I realized my pain and suffering gave me passion for marriage relationships.

I grew as a person, and became more capable of supporting and speaking on love, life, and marriage. Five years after my divorce I met my second wife Janel, who heard me speak on the topic of The Emotional Bond of Kissing at a local function. I began to notice her, and of course we kissed! Nine years and four sons later it just gets better and better.

Eighteen years of marriage total, and thirty plus years of counseling and being counseled have brought me humility, and knowledge that empowers my wife and I and most couples we come in contact with. We have private group sessions all the time with other couples helping them navigate through problems.

My heart wrenches at what I see as the effects of un-healthy, or divorced marital unions to couples and their children. Is there life after divorce? YES INDEED. Can a marriage survive challenges and trauma? ABSOLUTELY. Can a healthy and happy marriage use more work and maintenance? You bet. However the numbers are staggering and getting larger everyday.

Why are we failing in keeping marriage and families healthy and whole? STOP! What are we doing? This does not make sense. We need to critically think about what we are doing and the epidemic it’s creating of emotional relational dysfunctions. Simplicity is power. Over-thinking our problems many times is the problem.

A. Get to know yourself over and over again, before and during marriage. Recognize your likes and dislikes. Stay in tune to the changes in you. WARN PEOPLE! Say hey I’m changing, or say something’s going on with you that you don’t understand.

B. TALK, CONVERSATE, COMMUNICATE. Take your time and get to know and hear the other person. Do not get married if you are still in the mode of being SELFISH. You will not receive what you are not willing to give. Be willing to submit and serve one an-other with genuine selflessness.

C. HAVE FUN! In marriage you will have problems. However even in the midst of it, be creative and HAVE FUN! It’s Okay to be the silly, giddy, and childish couple sometimes. Others when they see you will say eeewww! Look at that couple having fun! HAVE FUN! HAVE FUN! CHOOSE TO HAVE FUN!

D. Make love, be intimate, have sex, more sex and more sex! Make sure you both are doing all the things necessary to educate, practice, and talk about healthy and safe sex issues in your marriage. Trust me; you will feel a whole lot better and be healthier mentally and physically.

Bonding with your mate is a daily practice and discipline. These are simple tools and ideas on how you can enjoy and keep a healthy union. Remember: When you are not bonding you are separating.
Just because there is chatter, does not mean you’re communicating. Turn down the chatter and listen for the harmony.

Honest conversation is a place to start. People have a tendency to hold back their opinions and feelings after being hurt or even shy about desires or issue they are having. You don’t have to arrive to immediate resolution all the time.

Anticipating your spouse’s need comes from a deep commitment to share, give, and nurture. Do not wait to respond to your lover’s request or needs. Anticipate by thinking ahead. Look for signs of fatigue before they ware themselves out.

Words are not always needed in order to facilitate understanding. It’s one’s joy, not duty, to watch and wait like a servant waiter on the other’s needs and desires. To serve your spouse needs should be a desire and passion. Both of you must want to serve each other.

Intimacy builds many times to the next moment and then the next.

True intimacy knows the boundaries, while enjoying the benefits. The tools are emotional, sensual, sexual, and relational passions for skilled lovers who learn how to use them masterfully. Keep the passion front and center. There are many things that can and will distract your fire and passion for your mate.

Our willingness to open our eyes and see marriage will never be about perfect people, but that its perfection is always wrapped in forgiveness, under-standing, kindness, compassion, and hope.

Marriage is a covenant privilege both holy and divine, usually seen as a lasting testament relation between God and humanity. The covenant made between husband and wife should always protect and cover like a sacred sanctuary, from danger and hard-ship. In time, two shall become one in life’s eternal process. Keep going, live and learn, it gets better. Remember, when you are not bonding you are separating.

Proceed until love finds a way.

Best Sex You’ve Ever Had

Posted on December 17, 2017 in Uncategorized

Judging from my long time experience as a tantric sex coach, it seems to me that most people at some point in their lives have a sexual experience that could be called transcendental or mystical, or simply “out of this world” wonderful. This special sexual experience could have taken place with a partner or on their own. It doesn’t matter how it came about, what matters is that many, many people naturally have this kind of amazing sexual encounter, often quite inadvertently. That’s because our bodies, psyches and spirits are wired to have this kind of experience. It’s in our original blue print to be ecstatic. When we are able to totally relax, let go, trust and open up, magical, divine love-making happens all by itself.

So, if it’s so natural, why don’t more people enjoy mind-blowing sex as a regular, everyday thing? That’s because our upbringing has trained us out of our intuitive knowing. Still, having once, or sporadically, had this experience, it is only understandable that people spend their lives trying to recapture that special moment, often failing to do so. Some manage it occasionally, but few have it consistently. Others go down the wrong track all together into all kinds of sexual distractions, even sex addiction. But what people really seek deep down is sex that helps them merge with the divine, sex that tunes them into the love that is the very fabric of who we are, sex that helps them melt and become one with God, Goddess, The Source, “That which is eternal”.

The reason “Tantra” has become so popular lately is because tantric sex describes quite well this sacred sex that people are missing. And so people try out whatever suggestions they find under the term Tantra. But what a lot of people don’t understand is that no amount of techniques or special breathing rhythms or chants or body positions, or incense or gadgets will get you to this longed for state of blissful pleasure and merging.

What you need to get there is much simpler then that. To have fantastic life-altering sex you need emotional and physical openness, that’s it.

It’s simple but that doesn’t mean it’s necessarily easy.

That’s why, paradoxically, these mystical sexual experiences are often experienced by couples who are fairly new to each other. Check your own experience and see if I’m right.

This is so because couples who are new to each other are typically a lot less weighed down with cautiousness. There is an innocence, a freshness, a hopefulness and a lack of negative expectation. There is an absence of the protection that usually builds between a couple as their intimate relating touches old emotional wounds and as lack of sexual knowledge and communication skills creates repeated disappointments.

Does that mean that you should go from honeymoon to honeymoon, from partner to partner in search of this magical sex. Oh no! The truly best sex, the lasting kind, the really amazing deeply transformational sex is always found in committed relationships where the partners keep growing in closeness together.

So what can a couple do to consistently have the best sex they’ve ever had? And not just on their honeymoon or once in a great while?
They can commit to emotional, physical and energetic opening. But how?

In my home audio workshop and e-book “Sex for the Soul” I go into great detail as to what a couple can do, but here I’ll just give you a short list of tips:
1. Have eye contact when you make love much of the time. See and allow yourself to be seen, be emotionally naked.

2. Talk about your sex life. Be willing to increase your communication about specific sexual physical details by 100%; what works for you, what doesn’t, and what you wish your partner and you would try. Keep blame out of it. Rather then focusing on what doesn’t work let each other know what would work. Make yourself vulnerable and be honest.

3. Relax your body when you make love. Slow things down enough so that you can feel your genitals very sensitively. Start slow, and slow down in between more heated moments. Your body will teach you how to have sacred sex if you slow down enough to listen to it.

4. Be willing to experiment with new ways of playing in the bedroom, physically and emotionally.

5. Don’t settle for sexual gratification, which means, don’t just go for orgasm at all cost, neither his nor hers. Seek to make love, to create a space of lovingness, each time you connect sexually.

6. Make love often; bring your bodies together regularly. Let your lovemaking become a meditation of surrender, connection, vulnerability and deep relaxation. See it as a spiritual practice. Let your relationship be a journey of learning and growing in love together.

And here an excerpt from my upcoming audio program “Sex for the Soul”

…….One of the messages of this program is: Don’t just have sex, make love! Most people, when they hear the words “making love” immediately assume it means having a sexual exchange, am I right? Have you ever really considered why that is? It is because, since time immemorial, sex is one of the best ways that humans have to create more love: in their relationship, in their lives, and on the planet. Unfortunately, the way things are nowadays, having sex doesn’t mean making love. Consciously engaging in the act of creating more love through the sexual act is not what most people think about when they are having sex. The way sex is promoted these days in popular culture presents sex as a means for physical pleasure, excitement, fun, or even social status. Although there is no problem with any of these, the media is inadvertently promoting loveless sex. “Tips for better sex”, “How to have more sizzling orgasms”, “Make sex last longer”, “5 new techniques to Dazzle Your Partner in Bed”– these are the headlines we see every day on magazine covers. The word “love” does not appear in any of these headlines and that’s why it’s easy to forget to look for love.

Another message of this program is equally important: Don’t just live together, make love! So many long- term couples have given up and resigned themselves to a life of companionship, and maybe occasional sex, but there are many easy and some not so easy things a couple can do to bring the spark back to their partnership.

And to come back to the value of tantric techniques, special breathing rhythms, mantras, chants, sexual positions, energy exercises, incense, sacred symbols, etc. Once you have emotional openness all the above can be a lot of fun and add to your experience in lovely ways. Often the biggest value is not the technique itself but the fact that in endeavoring to bring these things into their life, couples start talking about their sex-life and begin to explore. But just remember, you don’t really need any techniques to have the best sex you ever had. You just need to trust yourself and your body ever more deeply.

If you want to start today, try one of my tips for Sacred Sex above.My audio workshop will give you many more explicit and detailed instructions to work with, but for now go to my list of tips and start exploring the vast depths of sexual mystery and magic that is yours by birthright.

Have Great Sex (Even If Your Husband Is Too Busy To Ask You Out On Dates!)

Posted on December 13, 2017 in Uncategorized

A few months ago, I started feeling (in a bad way) like a sex object to my husband. Like he was just using me to satisfy his sexual needs.

What had happened to dating as foreplay? How long could he expect us to have great sex without being romanced?

I felt helpless, hopeless, angry and frustrated. Oh how I wished I knew how to make myself feel like having sex with my husband, even though he was too busy to take me out on dates…

That’s when I accidentally came across the solution to my problems. It wasn’t clear to me at first. But, what worked for me, was to understand men better.

What Do You Mean By ‘Understand Men Better’?

When you begin to understand men better, it means you begin to see into your husband’s heart. You begin to finally begin to understand why men behave the way they do – what drives him; what de-motivates him, etc…

And as you understand how men think, you’ll finally understand why your husband is too busy to take you out on dates. Plus, you’ll realize the REAL reason why your husband doesn’t need to go out on dates in order to feel like having sex with you. (Hint: it’s not because men have sex on their minds all the time).

The truth is, your husband has good reasons for behaving the way he does.

And more often than not, these are actually loving reasons. And that’s why learning how to understand men better is so important.

Understanding Men Better Means You Get To Avoid MISUNDERSTANDINGS.

Wouldn’t you agree that when you don’t understand men, it’s easy to mis-understand your husband’s actions… which usually only leads to bigger problems?

For example:

  1. You wonder whether he still loves you…
  2. You start to resent his behavior…
  3. You feel helpless and frustrated – not knowing how to solve your marriage problems…

And then what? You find that the problem of your husband not having enough time to take you out on dates, is only the beginning of one of your many growing problems within your marriage… (oh dear.)

But Can Understanding Men Better Truly Make You Feel More Sexual?

Absolutely! Because when you think about it, what really makes a woman feel like having sex with her husband? It’s the feeling of being CONNECTED with him. That’s the purpose of going on dates, isn’t it? To build a stronger connection…

Still, How Can You Feel Connected To Your Husband When He’s Too Busy And Has No Time For You?

What you need is a microscope to look into his heart. A microscope that doesn’t need you to spend time with your husband in order to understand him better.

Did you know you don’t even need to talk to your husband to understand him better? In fact, the three best ways I’ve found, of how to connect with your husband, without talking to him, is by:

  1. Using visualization(s);
  2. Taking a course(s);
  3. Reading book(s) about it.

And that’s what I did. I did visualizations. I read books. I attended courses about how to understand men better.

Which Brings Me Back To My Own Story…

My husband and I used to have a great sex life. But a few months ago, he suddenly got very busy with his work. Too busy to take me out on dates. And even though I did my best to be supportive, I found it harder and harder to have sex with him.

Soon, I noticed I wasn’t feeling as enthusiastic as sex as before. My husband noticed it too. It affected him.

But mostly, it affected me.

  1. I couldn’t enjoy sex.
  2. I started to get a bit naggy.
  3. I felt angry.
  4. Resentful.
  5. Impatient with him.

And worst still, I felt frustrated with myself. I was trying so hard not to blame him (because he had valid reasons for not dating me). But still, I desperately wanted him to take me out on a date before trying to have sex with me.

All this took a toll on our relationship.

Finally, I read in an e-book, that

  1. A man’s job is how he identifies himself as a man;
  2. Most of the reason men work is to support their families;
  3. When a woman complains, a man feels she doesn’t appreciate his efforts, so he’s demoralized. Eventually he becomes emotionally numb, or he leaves.

These words about men gave me the microscope I needed to see into my husband’s heart.

Immediately, I felt more appreciative towards my husband. Not surprisingly, these appreciative feelings made me feel more connected to him… which allowed me to keep my heart open to his… which amazingly, made me eager to have sex with him, which led to us having great sex!

So To Summarize…

The way to have great sex with your husband, even when he’s too busy to take you out on dates, is to understand men better. Why? Because understanding men better gives you a microscope to see into your husband’s heart (even without talking to him).

This is important because it will help you to avoid MISUNDERSTANDINGS about your husband ‘s actions. (Misunderstandings which can lead to bigger problems in your marriage.)

While you may not think that understanding men is related to your sexuality, it actually helps you to feel more CONNECTED to your husband. (The feeling of connection, which is vital for women to have, before they can feel sexually attracted to a man.)

And once you feel connected to your husband, your heart will open up to him… which will leave you available to receive his sexual advances – an expression of his love for you.

Best of all, having great sex together will bring you closer together as a couple. How do I know? Because now, even though I still feel like my husband treats me like a sex object, I’m flattered by it. What’s more, after having great sex, my husband takes his own initiative to make plans for the two of us to have dates and spend quality time together. Isn’t it amazing that we both get to win?