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Month: December 2017

Don’t Give Your Sex Away – Placing Value on Your Body and Not How Many Partners You Can Sleep With

Posted on December 28, 2017 in Uncategorized

As parents, we try every day to shield our children from violence, teen pregnancy, drugs and alcohol, and even peer pressure. Yet no matter how much you try to protect your children from these things sooner or later they will have to deal with the once the enter school. With the increase level of teen pregnancy from year to year it is time that parents once again sit down with their children and discuss sex but not in the way you are used to teaching them. I am not talking about the birds and the bees story, frightening your children with the abstinence talk, or throwing condoms at them. I am talking about teaching your children how to place value on sexual intimacy and not just giving away their goodies for free to anyone who will take it. Our children need to realize that their bodies are worth more than 10-60 minutes worth of sex or better yet, wham-bam-thank you ma’am. Our children need to know that their bodies are precious like jewels and they need to treat their bodies as such.

Here are a few steps to help you start the discussion once again about having sex too early (use your personal discretion when considering the word early as what I may say as being too early to have sex you may not):

1. Think about your personal values on sexual intimacy: Before you can have a conversation with your child on having sexual intercourse, as a parent you need to determine how you view sex. If it’s just hitting the sack and talking your partner for granted then are you not telling your child the same thing through your own actions? If you have never thought about this question or have put it to the side because you feel like you are grown, then rethink about your personal values before you share your wisdom with your child. Teens are smart and they can tell whether or not you believe what you are saying so don’t try to pull the cover over their eyes.

2. Ask your child their definition of sexual intimacy: For many kids they see no difference between intimacy and intercourse. Many will tell you that they love the person but when asked to define how they love the person and why, they may not have a clear picture of what love is. This is the perfect opportunity to go in and help clarify what love is and how it goes hand in hand with sexual intimacy.

3. Don’t accuse your child of having sex without all the facts: The worst thing you can do is accuse your child of having sex without asking them. Yes there are some children who will lie about being sexually active for fear of punishment but there are others who are telling the truth more times than not. Instead discuss with your child how they value their personal body as related to sexual intimacy as well as how they would value their partner’s body in the same way. If your child has no clue then he/she is not ready for sex.

4. You don’t have to sleep with the whole team to be popular: Some kids have learned in school that the more sexual partners you have the more you will become a part of the “popular” group. However, I would beg to ask that if you were to sleep with the whole team now to be popular, would you or the individuals you slept with remember your name a year later? If your child says no then I would have them question whether it was worth becoming popular by sleeping around.

5. Know and love yourself: Unless you know and love yourself no one else will. Our children need to start loving and respecting themselves first so that others will do the same.

Finally, there is no cure all to having sex early as sex is all around our children no matter where they turn. However as parents we need to add something else to the “talk” that does not frighten our children or send them to the corner store on a contraceptive frenzy. If your child is having sex, then take all the necessary steps to ensure that they are practicing safe sex. If your child is not having sex, then take all of the necessary steps to ensure that they are continuing to live an abstinent life. Just make sure that whatever course your child takes as related to having sex that they learn to (1) place value on their bodies and treat it like there is not enough money in the world that could buy them out and (2) accept that sexual intimacy involves committed people who have decided to unite their bodies as one and not share it with another. It’s time that our children stop giving away their sex for FREE and start loving themselves for who they are and not what their friends or the media (videos, TV., magazines etc.) says that they should be.

Sex Toys – How to Introduce!

Posted on December 24, 2017 in Uncategorized

Introducing sex toys into a relationship can take both pleasure and intimacy to the next level and then some. In addition, the element of “fun” is brought into the picture, and being in a fun, playful relationship is something few couples truly achieve due to poor communication. With a sex toy, you can easily build a bridge toward fun sexual intimacy. Here are three important ways to bring sex toys into a relationship.

1. Start slow! Remember you’re building a bridge and before you can put up the foundation you need to prep the work area. Introducing any outside element into sexual relations can be challenging. The easiest prep tool to use in order to ease into sex toys, are lotions or oils. What you are doing here is simply introducing a third element into your intimate relations, and you’re starting with something simple. Once erotic oils and lotions are used, you’ve opened the door for other intimacy tools to be added in the future.

2. The foundation! You’re foundation will set the stage for further sex toy adventures, so it’s important to choose the right foundation. What you’re looking to do here is to introduce an actual sex toy into the relationship. But it has to be a sex toy which is simple, gentle, and easy. In other words your foundation sex toy shouldn’t be some elaborate contraption. You’ll easily scare off your partner. Your foundation should be basic and something easy which you can further build upon in the near future. Various ticklers and the like would be an example of a simple foundations to begin building your sex toy adventures around.

3. Avoid the Crutch! You want to avoid becoming sex toy addicted and every intimate encounter having to rely on a sex toy. That is, don’t turn a sex toy into a crutch. Use it only to enhance the relationship, not serve as the centerpiece where every intimate encounter is going to require a sex toy in order for pleasure to be achieved.

Sex toys, or intimacy tools, can be used as an automatic bridge to bring one another closer while achieving intimacy on a level never previously experienced.

Relational Passions for Skilled Lovers

Posted on December 21, 2017 in Uncategorized

The bedroom is a sanctuary, a gift for the refreshing restoration of the total man to support the balance of the human spirit.

Am I talking about sex? It’s only a small part of what I am saying. We need to learn to care enough to reach into the inner core of our mate. We need to care about the whole person, not simply stopping to give only our partial, distracted attention to each other; but our whole being and fiber. A part of love’s genius is patience: Patience for the process, the journey, and the whole experience. This “microwave” society that fills our consciousness and spirit with “hurry-up” will, if we allow it, causes us to mess up, screw up and miss out.

I watched my parent’s relationship, and realized very quickly that their marriage skills did not match their parenting skills. Dad loved mom with all his heart, but was not as sensitive and as skilled at romance and nurturing mama as he needed to be. They both accepted that this was how it was supposed to be, in part because of how they both grew up.

Over the years, couples have been drawn to me in times of marital trouble, primarily because I’m an ordained minister. In most cases it became apparent that they needed help before they encountered such difficulties.

When I got my first job, I would do all the things I felt my father should do for mama, like buy flowers, candy, gifts and take her to dinner. Spoil her! I loved to see her face light up with a wide grin. The truth was I was not dad. I could not give all the things she needed to flourish in a loving marriage. I watched them both suffer greatly in their relationship simply because they were both not willing to do the work and pursue new discoveries necessary to grow in their union. I notice mama would not discuss how she really felt about what she wanted or needed with dad, because she felt he would not listen or understand her point of view.

Dad could only see his point of view as how a women’s role was to play out in marriage. They both shut down and did not grow in their relationship. It was hard for me to watch what was happening. As a teenager I tried and worked hard to get both of them to come closer.

My first wife’s perspectives were very different when it came to marriage. However, I respected her views and perspective. After nine years of trying to make it work, it did not work out. We both were devastated. We had no children from the union. While in the process of healing, I made it my business to learn all I could about why it happened and how to navigate and use basic tools on how to better handle life in marriage.

One thing for sure, I learned plenty about myself. I had already been working as a lay counselor in the community and with local churches, attempting to help and support others who were having difficulty by simply adding my voice to those who wanted to make a happy marriage better.

I could not believe it; I was called left and right all over greater Los Angeles to come to speak to couples. I realized my pain and suffering gave me passion for marriage relationships.

I grew as a person, and became more capable of supporting and speaking on love, life, and marriage. Five years after my divorce I met my second wife Janel, who heard me speak on the topic of The Emotional Bond of Kissing at a local function. I began to notice her, and of course we kissed! Nine years and four sons later it just gets better and better.

Eighteen years of marriage total, and thirty plus years of counseling and being counseled have brought me humility, and knowledge that empowers my wife and I and most couples we come in contact with. We have private group sessions all the time with other couples helping them navigate through problems.

My heart wrenches at what I see as the effects of un-healthy, or divorced marital unions to couples and their children. Is there life after divorce? YES INDEED. Can a marriage survive challenges and trauma? ABSOLUTELY. Can a healthy and happy marriage use more work and maintenance? You bet. However the numbers are staggering and getting larger everyday.

Why are we failing in keeping marriage and families healthy and whole? STOP! What are we doing? This does not make sense. We need to critically think about what we are doing and the epidemic it’s creating of emotional relational dysfunctions. Simplicity is power. Over-thinking our problems many times is the problem.

A. Get to know yourself over and over again, before and during marriage. Recognize your likes and dislikes. Stay in tune to the changes in you. WARN PEOPLE! Say hey I’m changing, or say something’s going on with you that you don’t understand.

B. TALK, CONVERSATE, COMMUNICATE. Take your time and get to know and hear the other person. Do not get married if you are still in the mode of being SELFISH. You will not receive what you are not willing to give. Be willing to submit and serve one an-other with genuine selflessness.

C. HAVE FUN! In marriage you will have problems. However even in the midst of it, be creative and HAVE FUN! It’s Okay to be the silly, giddy, and childish couple sometimes. Others when they see you will say eeewww! Look at that couple having fun! HAVE FUN! HAVE FUN! CHOOSE TO HAVE FUN!

D. Make love, be intimate, have sex, more sex and more sex! Make sure you both are doing all the things necessary to educate, practice, and talk about healthy and safe sex issues in your marriage. Trust me; you will feel a whole lot better and be healthier mentally and physically.

Bonding with your mate is a daily practice and discipline. These are simple tools and ideas on how you can enjoy and keep a healthy union. Remember: When you are not bonding you are separating.
Just because there is chatter, does not mean you’re communicating. Turn down the chatter and listen for the harmony.

Honest conversation is a place to start. People have a tendency to hold back their opinions and feelings after being hurt or even shy about desires or issue they are having. You don’t have to arrive to immediate resolution all the time.

Anticipating your spouse’s need comes from a deep commitment to share, give, and nurture. Do not wait to respond to your lover’s request or needs. Anticipate by thinking ahead. Look for signs of fatigue before they ware themselves out.

Words are not always needed in order to facilitate understanding. It’s one’s joy, not duty, to watch and wait like a servant waiter on the other’s needs and desires. To serve your spouse needs should be a desire and passion. Both of you must want to serve each other.

Intimacy builds many times to the next moment and then the next.

True intimacy knows the boundaries, while enjoying the benefits. The tools are emotional, sensual, sexual, and relational passions for skilled lovers who learn how to use them masterfully. Keep the passion front and center. There are many things that can and will distract your fire and passion for your mate.

Our willingness to open our eyes and see marriage will never be about perfect people, but that its perfection is always wrapped in forgiveness, under-standing, kindness, compassion, and hope.

Marriage is a covenant privilege both holy and divine, usually seen as a lasting testament relation between God and humanity. The covenant made between husband and wife should always protect and cover like a sacred sanctuary, from danger and hard-ship. In time, two shall become one in life’s eternal process. Keep going, live and learn, it gets better. Remember, when you are not bonding you are separating.

Proceed until love finds a way.

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